The day before I left, I went to our unit to see some few people to say goodbye to. I saw them passed by me as they were busy working, answering phone calls and looking at their patient's file. I sometimes get their attention and they ask me few questions. I managed to get one of my friend's attention telling her, hey I got some animal print for you...yet she drowned me with a lot of working stuff issues. LIFE GOES, I said to my self. And right then and there, I just want to leave whole and not in pieces- not crying. Some caught me as I hurriedly get into the elevator and my eyes are red. I cannot even speak to them but I did hugged them- looking at them intently as it will be my last time to look at some of my colleagues.
While on my way to the basement and out, I saw one pharmacy staff, She said, "Good Morning" flashing her smile and her eyes glistening with positivism. I told her I'm leaving in a very shaky voice almost crying tone- she hugged me- she tried to ask few more questions but with my sour-face almost crying I said, " I got to go." I left that building and into the coldest breeze in Riyadh I walked outside. Since it was cold- I hugged my self and I felt I was the most comfortable person walking with some little smile on my face. Some strangers look at me and one couldn't just resist so he asked me- "Are you not cold?" That time, I only have a very light hospital jacket and they were wearing thick leather ones. Then I figure out that I got just one big real smile on my face- I even almost laugh. It was the first time of my weary week- that I felt happy.
It was the main reason I left. Everyone asked me; Why I am leaving? And they would presume that maybe I got enough money. I got a next job. I will marry or I got enough money(again). And when I say one of those- they would stop and just say good luck. But when I say about happiness and tell them I got none of those. They couldn't believe that I would just stay back in the Philippines with their eyes looking at me like I did something really bad. Or they would repeat back what I just said; " You will just stay in the Philippines?! Sure?"
Only few people- get me and feel me that happiness is also a big deal. I care much about my heart some say I am selfish so what. I even lost my smile because like they always say here- don't smile too much or they will not take you seriously. I could never forget those lines from the head of our department. Yet when I tried to bring it back to her she denied that she told me that. How can I forget when I was still very new and struggling - those lines has broken me and I did write that in my daily diary.
Well, while I'm on my way to the government relation office to check my exit visa, I saw a staff working in another unit, like me she is also leaving. She told me what to do and we bade goodbye and see you tomorrow night. LIFE GOES. I'm in this chapter. If there could be faster than the speed of light- it would be really our mind. In my thoughts- I'd see back my good old friends, things to do, things I truly love and things that would bring my smile back.
Looking at my pictures- my smile has changed a lot and my eyes doesn't glisten anymore because smiling past year were just muscles contracting and no heart in it. I cried every night , that was three months ago before deciding that I want to leave. It was like life and death decision- for my sanity. And tonight that I'm leaving, those load of sadness were gone. Like a friend of mine would tell me, go on- it is a new life out there- cheer up. Cheers. :-)
My last supper in Riyadh with friends- we were laughing and pigging out- Oh god what life we have here was so good. We talked about work stuffs and has killed the time in such a long winter night. I looked at them- flashed back those memories we shared and I looked around. Those plants that I planted and they were growing so pretty around the kitchen. The kitchen that I spent most of the time cleaning- cooking- eating or crying. Those pretty white marble floors that I clean during day-offs. And in my room, I thought I couldn't have this kind of room back home. It will soon become a memory and so am I in this place.
I met a lot people- and a handful of them are few good friends. I would miss them a lot. They would entirely remain in me. Unless if some degenerative changes will happen. One time my friend and I went out for a coffee outside the hospital. I sipped my coffee then I told her, we will forget the dates but we will remember memories. Now I forgot when was that exactly but I do remember our full conversation we had. How amazing is that.
Thank you. I sure do treasure friends. If I wasn't able to say goodbye personally- it is because I couldn't and I don't want some tears falling down and you will see how bad my face look like crying. That will be a nightmare for you and me.
Its been 4 years in Saudi :-) Four years- sometimes it's too long but this time - twas so short.
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