Waiting Flight Reflections

The day before I left, I went to our unit to see some few people to say goodbye to. I saw them passed by me as they were busy working, answering phone calls and looking at their patient's file. I sometimes get their attention and they ask me few questions. I managed to get one of my friend's attention telling her, hey I got some animal print for you...yet she drowned me with a lot of working stuff issues. LIFE GOES, I said to my self. And right then and there, I just want to leave whole and not in pieces- not crying. Some caught me as I hurriedly get into the elevator and my eyes are red. I cannot even speak to them but I did hugged them- looking at them intently as it will be my last time to look at some of my colleagues.

While on my way to the basement and out, I saw one pharmacy staff, She said, "Good Morning" flashing her smile and her eyes glistening with positivism. I told her I'm leaving in a very shaky voice almost crying tone- she hugged me- she tried to ask few more questions but with my sour-face almost crying I said, " I got to go." I left that building and into the coldest breeze in Riyadh I walked outside. Since it was cold- I hugged my self and I felt I was the most comfortable person walking with some little smile on my face. Some strangers look at me and one couldn't just resist so he asked me- "Are you not cold?"  That time, I only have a very light hospital jacket and they were wearing thick leather ones. Then I figure out that I got just one big real smile on my face- I even almost laugh. It was the first time of my weary week- that I felt happy. 

It was the main reason I left. Everyone asked me; Why I am leaving? And they would presume that  maybe I got enough money. I got a next job. I will marry or I got enough money(again). And when I say one of those- they would stop and just say good luck. But when I say about happiness and tell them I got none of those. They couldn't believe that I would just stay back in the Philippines with their eyes looking at me like I did something really bad. Or they would repeat back what I just said; " You will just stay in the Philippines?! Sure?"

Only few people- get me and feel me that happiness is also a big deal. I care much about my heart some say I am selfish so what. I even lost my smile because like they always say here- don't smile too much or they will not take you seriously. I could never forget those lines from the head of our department. Yet when I tried to bring it back to her she denied that she told me that. How can I forget when I was still very new and struggling - those lines has broken me and I did write that in my daily diary.

Well, while I'm on my way to the government relation office to check my exit visa, I saw a staff working in another unit, like me she is also leaving. She told me what to do and we bade goodbye and see you tomorrow night. LIFE GOES. I'm in this chapter. If there could be faster than the speed of light- it would be really our mind. In my thoughts- I'd see back my good old friends, things to do, things I truly love and things that would bring my smile back.

Looking at my pictures- my smile has changed a lot and my eyes doesn't glisten anymore because smiling past year were just muscles contracting and no heart in it. I cried every night , that was three months ago before deciding that I want to leave. It was like life and death decision- for my sanity. And tonight that I'm leaving, those load of sadness were gone. Like a friend of mine would tell me, go on- it is a new life out there- cheer up. Cheers. :-)

My last supper in Riyadh with friends- we were laughing and pigging out- Oh god what life we have here was so good. We talked about work stuffs and has killed the time in such a long winter night. I looked at them- flashed back those memories we shared and I looked around. Those plants that I planted and they were  growing so pretty around the kitchen. The kitchen that I spent most of the time cleaning- cooking- eating or crying. Those pretty white marble floors that I clean during day-offs. And in my room, I thought I couldn't have this kind of room back home. It will soon become a memory and so am I in this place.

I met a lot people- and a handful of them are few good friends. I would miss them a lot.  They would entirely remain in me. Unless if some degenerative changes will happen. One time my friend and I went out for a coffee outside the hospital. I sipped my coffee then I told her, we will forget the dates but we will remember memories. Now I forgot when was that exactly but I do remember our full conversation we had. How amazing is that.

Thank you. I sure do treasure friends. If I wasn't able to say goodbye personally- it is because I couldn't and I don't want some tears falling down and you will see how bad my face look like crying. That will be a nightmare for you and me.

Its been 4 years in Saudi :-) Four years-  sometimes it's too long but this time - twas so short.

AIRPORT

------

I have wanted so much  

I have dreams that seems unreachable

I wanted perhaps almost all the beauty in this world

Only to find out, I only need one

Someone just enough to complete a yearning soul

A soul that was never contented

A soul that in the end doesn't know what she really wants at all.

-------

Sitting alone in the airport, I watched the people around me.

Some arrived full with excitement while others bathed in cries

Like me , drowning in the abyss 

the abyss of helplessness

Alone sitting along the hallway

I watch people walk with luggage's

Someday, I wanted nothing like this

Someday,  we would be together- 

Anywhere- smiling, talking, teasing and laughing 

Like the world turns deductive

The world has become us

No more unnecessary wants

No more being alone 

but only the joy with the one you love

and the joy of being together.

June2012

May 2013

Memories

As always, I woke up with my face on my pillows. Good thing I am old enough not to be at risk of Respiratory distress syndrome.

I prepared a meager breakfast and did some endless household errands. Then I sat on my bedside chair. Staring endlessly at the light that comes into the window.

It was a beautiful sunny morning. And it has reminded me of so many things. With news and the chaos happening outside this huge country, I was inside my room sitting- thinking so vulnerable doing so less while there is so many things to do in this world.

The land of Arabia and the limited freedom a woman has into this place sickens me more and more for the past 3 years. Yet working with sick people holds my view in reality closely.

I think that no matter how irrational people can be in an any point of view they believe in, we still end up dying, either in someone else's arms or in a hospital bed with your bladder-full nurse.

Thoughts ran by and I wonder how it feels growing up with a father. I wonder what he will teach me while I'm in my teenage years. How will he handle my growing up views about life.

Perhaps not the things my mother always told me about cleaning and cooking, not the basic necessity of survival, not the budget and maybe not the future of what if's. Perhaps -with a balance of a male-mind domain- I would learn differently.


Like my older brothers tell me to enjoy life. My Kuya Plong would tell me to be sweet to win the heart of a man and my Kuya Jong to be my self and celebrate it.

Maybe not my mom's endless talk about I should be like this... "you should be and you should be."

I miss my father- just saying. I keep the memories like my only treasure. I remember him playing with me outside our house throwing me up and catching me. How light I was before. How he talks to me sweetly while I'm eating my snack in his office. How he would ask me what did I do at school and graciously I tell him about how I help tadpoles grow in a little pond beside the school garden.

To my dad, I can easily share the dislike of wearing shoes. And with my Mom forcing me to wear it for neatness sake. He watched my agony and when I am alone he simply gave me option to wear shoes when leaving house so my mother would not be upset and wear my slippers when I'm at school-and he smiles telling me that is because my tadpoles needed me. That was the best deal ever-so I did what he told me. Yet, I always think I wonder how life would be if he has lived longer. 

For the past days I have this thoughts, when I look at my friends telling me about their dad's support and security of having them. I somewhat envy them in a good way- as it always ends up of me asking my self how life will be if he was alive then I get my treasures back-those memories I just said and like a rolling film he was back then and there in my mind he was still so alive.

All through my 25 years of existence,  only 9 years was the time I am with him. He was always around I can remember. While my mother travels from city to city. Everytime I arrive home, I always see my dad on his rocking chair reading. I'll put my bag on the floor and go kiss his hand-he blesses me with smile and then he hugs me back. My father fills me with sweetness. And I think he is as thoughtful as my Kuya's.

Every major occasions he would ask me to draw and make an authentic card especially mother's day. Making cards. That's the thing I tried to continue when he was gone. Deep inside me in every occasions is heartbreaking because it reminds me of him making effort to create a family. And like him I never receive any made card. And like him I am always the one giving out-thoughtfully well designed cards. I did told my siblings about that and of course, they tease and just laugh at my sentiments.

My dad- and in no way I will know how beautiful he thinks- now with my only treasure about him. I have seen his efforts to live each day with his loved ones. And everyday before we sleep he always says-I love you. Goodnight. I saw him living and reminding me and my sibling that life is all about around us, to be happy, to create a family that loves learning and to give time to those that matters in our life- and his kumusta ang skwela (how's school) made an impact to me. And going home for me is like telling him story everyday. He lived like he had a premonition that he will not live long. He might had a dream or that nagging intuition-well, I don't know.

I wrote this on a  mothers day and I am teary-eyed throughout my only day off from a week working. Life is ironic. I just had a whole day father's nostalgia.

I called my mom and greeted her happy mother's day- then there goes some litany. All the impending problems about money and how bad our government is. Oh God, I wanted to leave this land and I cannot give in to another lifeless year here. If only I can express it to her without a call like a fight. But its her day,  I just let her but surely I'm just tired of keeping up as if I am stronghold.

I think I have really grown up-enough not to please anyone.

After 6 months, I did resigned.  I arrived home chaotic as ever-I never thought it will be. With so little money saved and with most of them thought I am a millionaire. So no choice, I left again for work- this time farther home.

Like any other Filipino overseas worker, thinking you have put up some good thing so far yet ending up nothing. A total devastation. A major precipitating trust issue. Its like 5 break ups at once. A myocardial infarction at every thought. A DABDA (psychological grieving process) -and you are just stucked at Anger and Bargaining without moving through. But just to sour grape things-at least for me, I travelled a bit. And I learned. And will be learning a lot.

That things bought can be gone. Money does fly. And what you only and truly can have except if in some cases you will be diagnosed dementia are your memories. How well you handle yourself in life changing situation. How willing you are to learn. How long is your patience. How far you can love. How thankful you are everyday. How you can be kind when others are not. How beautiful life can be even how shitty things can be too. And how well you know by faith that soon it will be okay.

Now,  I am carefree but kind.
Now this is life. And I love it terribly.