Some days

Some days I lie on my bed, I stare at the ceiling with my imagination so beyond my sight.

I will lie on your chest with your heartbeat. And while you talk, I can hear your familiar voice from your heart and not from your lips. It's even more clearer perhaps sweeter.

Some days I relive our future goodbye. From time to time it hurts-like 100x hesitation and a thousand more painful than skype date goodbyes.

A mix of fear,pain and sheer happiness.
Fear that it might be the last. Pain like those kind of sudden goodbyes from a flare of emotions- a kind of pain only you can give. Happiness, because finally my imaginary hugs and kisses were real. The texture of your skin, your hair and your smell... I have it finally. I have it not just on the screen.

Yet like everyday. I will always end my day with you like its the last. I will always tell you. I will always hopefully try ways to show to you. I want you to know I couldn't imagine in its entirety of ending a day with issues unresolved if ever we have in the future. And like I told and wrote you. I will learn and grow learning with you.

Some days without you because of technological betrayal.

Some days I find my self alone with you in my thoughts. Some growing fear. Some nostalgia of wanting to hear your voice even more.

Some day like today- this day is a bit longer.

I hope you stay. Come home with me some day. You can fly but you can always stay.

Love like watching a bird fly and the joy it brings when it comes back and stay. ♡

Missing you more than ever especially with this kind of a day.

To the bears, the salmons and the sea lions

If this is my second life: I think I have reached my zenith.

When I have to live with just enough. Enough to see so much beauty in our world. The beauty between agony and luxury.Enough to know what I just want and what I need best.

If I once had a boring life. If that strange vision I had when I was 8 has some reality over delusions. It is something I will never forget- that was a life with everything. I stared at a grand chandelier, walked pass through it, walked upstairs and into my room it ends then suddenly born and loved much by a family. A family meager enough to give safe home to grow. Be taught to get much education in a class or through a book. A life- that I can never trade yet sometimes with my tendency to want more. I want to give them more.

My existence now is a gift of life to me. With this-I learned to be happy with what I have. And I definitely know what I wanted in life despite the fact that I can be very confuse and undecisive with things I don't have a full heart on it.

In this lifetime, perhaps I did let some ego away- I let some worry away and I let things flow. In this life I learned to tell the person what I truly feel and gently whisper it to the bears, the salmons and the sea lions. Ever careful- as it is something that they are not bound for. Something that tells them they are always free and yet they can always stay with me.

What I just fear nowadays and most of the time is missing a chance to not let a person dear to me know what I thought and feel something that is beautiful. I don't want to live with regrets that I let expressions passed the chance for them to see and feel it and the chance of which they can still hear and see me.

For now - I just want something enough. Yet it is beyond what society calls norm. Beyond what my culture tells me not to do. Beyond rationality and into the mysteriousness of this existence. Ever dreamy. Ever dreamy.

Today and everyday I just wanted to let him know that-
I love and have loved his soul.

His eyes were like those sky.
They were like ocean.
Like the lake. Like the river.
Like them- he lives with his heart and mind together.


He lives-
He lives just a lil bit
or a lil more like me.

My adobo

If you happen to be here - for some time in the future, I'm tagging this to you. Enjoy reading :-) http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/we-love-them-for-the-candid-moments-on-love-and-vulnerability/

Your Lady

I think the most agonizing for a girl is to be promised at. What is more difficult are the words uttered romantically in normal days. How can just a girl forget those "I will never leave you" while watching sunset at the bay. "You are my life" while he touches her hair softly as gentle as the breeze. She is at that time in her vulnerability - so perceptive on words which seems the truest.


When she was still a girl, she always dreamed of someone being with her. To listen to her stories just before she sleeps. She always dreamed of someone to hug her at night-something she never had all her life until he came. She always wanted someone aside her girlfriends to have dinner with. To share a smile, a kind of smile her girlfriends will never see. A smile that only him can see.


And yet, like the river, everything just flows in a different way. Everything changes. And that girl will never be a girl through time.


She became what they call a lady. So aware about how things are. That she can never take a hold of anything nor anyone unless that being decides to. She will never feel inadequate when someone had left as she has always known that people are people and no one will ever stay forever. She will never yearn to have someone beside her because pillows were enough. She will smile at her girlfriends and she still can smile in her sweetest if someone pleases her.

She will never expect nor do her best to keep up with anyone. She is by so far, has kept regal in many ways. Kept her self from anything that will make her vulnerable. She does not need anyone to be happy. She can be happy with her self. She knows no drama. She has learned self-preservation. She is strong. She is what any man wants their woman to be.


That lady. A beautiful lady with her mind and heart. A beauty that is skin-deep.


She is a lady and yet she knows that she will spend all her life looking for that kind of boy to bring the kind of girl she was before.


The kind of girl she lost.
That girl she missed.
That girl she has kept inside her heart.
That kind of boy who will make her true to herself again.

He made age just a number
and  he made her realize that she had
always been a little girl.
And now so alive inside
her beautiful dream.

Your daughter

Written 2012 October

I shut my eyes close. Yet I can still see flickering small, red spots just like you are in a dark box. This is the only way out from what it seems reality for us.

We are fragile beings.
 I can see when patients begin crying hysterically as they cannot breathe. Some calmly holding my hand while I am trying to be compose but still breathing fast.

We are individuals at the mercy of our body.

This time I wanted to make a short real story of a "Baba"- as we call most of our patients. This Baba who passed away 2009. It was my first death-and-dying experience. He is someone who can actually converse in English in apparently Arabic world. It was the first toxic night as I turned 3 months working in Saudi Arabia. A story that I can never forget.

I touched one patient who was entirely exhausted and full of pain. I left no words while looking at him- and he looks helpless as I am helpless. It seems that for all his life he was fighting to survive but here I saw him giving up. He survived a heart attack and left him a healthy part of his heart working but it is not enough, he survived while his kidneys did not and he needs a help of dialysis- and he survived an impending bone infection again but left him handicapped as the surgeons amputate his legs-just above his knee.

He was calling me every five minutes- I will never forget that. If I got exhausted, he was  even more. If I was complaining that my back hurts for all the lifting. He was having more pain. And the conversation starts as he grabbed my hands looking at my tired whining face.

He held my hands. And said, "My daughter, I'm sorry. You just don't know how I feel. You just don't know what kind of pain I am going." I want to say, I know. It must be so hard for you. I pity you-I will do my best. Oh, Ill give you more pain reliever but I cant. I just stayed there teary-eyed and I keep nodding my head while I hold his hand even firmly.

"I'm sorry if I keep on calling you. I'm sorry I made you tired. Do you know any medications that can ease my pain. What will I take? No doctors can even answer me that all."

- I cannot say a word. I can only remember my self nodding with my eyes teary. I tried not to cry as it was taught that a nurse must be strong in this kind of moment. But my eyes showed a lot that I don't need to say anything.

He called me daughter again, in his sincere words, like a father he pleaded me to let him breathe fresh air. He asked me if I can wheel him outside the hospital. So,  I called the doctor-on-call but with his license at risk he said he cannot let him. He cannot permit him to go outside to breathe fresh air.

My heart was actually aching for him. If he was my father I'd risk because I know time is short. And I want his time to be where he wants to be. At least at that moment he just wanted to breathe not inside a suffocating room of a hospital.

I survived that night. Barely. With an incident report written against me for giving a 2u insulin for a BSL of 16 and with my innate carelessness I forgot someone to check it with me bedside.

That was the last night I saw him.

Those medications are not of any help. His entire body rejecting and in turmoil.

With me running out of words to explain. With my clumsiness to hide my face out of emotions. I was 22 years old trying to be 40. I was 22 who felt like a 9 year old with a father.

After growing up many years without one, I met that patient who called me daughter. I felt like his daughter. Just being there.

I was close to crying, helpless, whispering prayers in my mind and heart. Holding my father's hand. Reminiscing the last time I held my real father, it was like that. Catching his breath and facing what we call end and I was there beside him. Beside Baba and years ago I was beside my Papa along with his last breath.

I missed you. And to my patient Baba- I will never forget you for bringing back what is like to be called a daughter.