Ambivalent

For me, a window is the most crucial part of a room. It is where my refuge is. I stare at the sky through it.

When I was still a kid, I find peace near windows and the fact that now I find it still the same. In a window,  I look at the birds getting busy at sunset. I look at the sky attentively till it turns dark. I look at the stars while I do cross-stitching/ writing or doodling. And in the morning I watch and feel the mists outside.

In your window you are looking in a different dimension.

You are an observer and the things observed thinks like you are one. Those times when I cannot scream but through it my soul voices it out loud peacefully. By looking at anywhere, fury just dies out of me and replaced beautifully of what a sight could bring.

You are in a journey. And you meet people and some you will learn to love and they perhaps will love you back in return. Sometimes it's like a tornado-short and intense. And some are like whirlwinds- exciting, confusing and in it feels forever.

To be loved back is a certain existence of scarcity and rarity- you became what we call a blue diamond. Blessed and cursed at same time. Blessed as you are one of a kind. Cursed because of its beauty your freedom and a tendency to be lost with your self is such a huge probability.

But now I prefer to deliberately involve thinking and make time and control to win over my heart. Its like I am bleached with a sand paper through years I get so sensitive and scratched by realities that I begin to live not like a child.

When it rains and I am at a window,  it reminds me everything. Moments when I pray hard to feel nothing- neither love or hatred, to need or love. Those when I sat serene and so happy when sun light touches my skin. Thoughts heavily bring a lot of emotions and I became ambivalent.

For two decades- life- things (that includes experiences actually) happens and what you want and love doesn't seem to be what you really need.

As much as I want to stay. I rather leave. It's the only way. I came up with realization that Love is more rational. I live out of fantasy, those fictions of romantic literature, the happy endings and infinite sweetness.

I try to be clear enough. To be spontaneous. To live as it is. To plan nothing but for my heart to be ease. To love and only when its true not because I need it but because it is being naggingly irresistible that being existed beautifully alone without me. And I hope simply that he sees me the same. That imperfections are fun contradictory. And that we share those both worlds with respect. And with mutual decisions we create a world in our own without losing the very world we each created with such strong individuality.

But then, I am ambivalent and we all are anyway.

Desert blues

(Written last year November 2010)

Sunset prequels darkness. The cold breeze tolerable enough in a desert summer context rushed into my skin. That time I can intently hear birds flying, the chaos of seeking refuge for the night. In the midst of noise, It has never been that melancholic and silent since he was gone. Things were routine and definitely boring. Waking up, brushing teeth, drinking water were such a toil I am more aware of. Before it was merely doing it fast-unconsciously. For me, he was after all the sun in the middle of this desert. That kind who lightens and cheer me up. He is someone that- makes my laugh a little more crispier (from ha ha ha to hakhakhak way). Yet, those were now limelights, everything is not just gray but even more, ending my sight like a hue scale of light. Only the desert sand is vivid and never ending. Like your agonies never stop. The vast space, so at peace and treacherous at the same time makes you peril with thoughts of delicious contradictions. Either to succumb enjoying the heat and glare or perhaps stop moving at all. 

His eyes were deep, dark brown. His bold shoulders. He was smiling, walking towards me, he never looked at his way but my eyes. My heart was raging, thumping as if it will burst-but no , my heart being regal stayed in utmost manner of pumping enough to make me blush -visible enough in a tanned skin.  Most of the time we only have silence and sexy shy stares. While he keeps on breakin it by asking me what is in my mind. I said, nothing. Indeed, it was nothing but if he asked what am I feeling. I might be able to think. Yes, I felt like a droplet of water finally touching the ground. I felt loved. Enormously happy just by being with him- holding his hand, walking towards sun setting in the gulf seas... I have never considered my self as one of the beautiful woman in the planet but that time I was.

When you are profoundly loved, you seem like loving everything. When you love, your heart feels so light as if you are living in a different dimension. You become a peaceful person in this constantly chaotic world. Not until you get the person into a conversation about ideas and opinion that sometimes lead to argument. Well, words left unsaid -those are turned into actions are the sweetest. You let out a big sigh and all that person did is hug and kiss your forehead. Stare at nothingness and you caught him looking at you with those vague smile of him. Why words has to mess everything , why words when we have silence that means so soothing.

I reserve some memories, mostly on how things were so intense between us. He never failed to make me smile until later. I still remember his sarcastic humors. Yet like any twilight , you know what I mean. We must learn from ever sunset-it is letting go everyday. What I just miss the most is how my heart goes when I hear his name. Sublime. Now, let me be a woman who enjoys getting lost like a girl.

 Let it. Let go. And a little more of feeling blu.